This Time, Lil' Miss Check-Out, It's Exactly What it Looks Like

Unlike all of the other times I feel like the items in my cart or hand basket or in a disorganized jumble in my arms are an unfair representation of my lifestyle when I go through the check out line, today you are welcome to judge me based on my purchases. The pair of Spanx, two boxes of Jillian Michaels Detox and Fat Cleanse, bulk sized tub of spinach and fat free yogurt are all products intended for exactly what you assume.

There is a wedding gown in my closet that I purchased 5 weeks ago that was only a little snug when I got it, but I was way too cheap to buy the next size up and pay $100 to have it altered to fit me properly. Unfortunately, the same pirates who killed my daddy are apparently allies with the Ambien Walrus, who fed me fried chicken and brownies against my knowledge. So, here I stand at the check out, ten days before I'm about to get married, in a last-ditch effort to lose enough post-funeral bloating so that when they zip that bad boy up I don't pass out from hyperventilation caused by the inability to breathe enough oxygen to remain conscious.

Don't worry. I have plenty of time. The disastrous gastrointestinal side effects of this plan should wear off at least 48 hours before I have to wear the very expensive, and obviously stainable dress. And if this doesn't work, you can expect to see me around that same time frame purchasing water pills, laxatives and ace bandages (for binding reasons.) I appreciate your nonchalance, I suppose this is nothing really, compared to last week when I came in here buying a pregnancy test and a bottle of tequila.