Why Can't Homosexuals Just Let us Take the Damn Picture?

I know, I know. Pirates killed my father. But you know what? I'm just not ready to discuss it.

Do you know what I am ready to talk about? Why gay men can't just take a regular picture like the rest of us. Cheeks sucked in, one eyebrow raised like they are asking a provocative question, their heads tilted, one shoulder slightly forward, as if prompted by an invisible Glamour Shots photographer. Even more disturbing are the hundreds and hundreds of these photos that are stored in the memory cards of the Droids and iPhones these men carry, not only of themselves but of other men. They snap pictures of themselves constantly, while driving especially, and then swap them like electronic trading cards.

In group photos the gay can always be spotted sitting up the straightest (how ironic) perfectly posed and making best use of the available lighting. The rest of us are slouched and shoving a sandwich in our faces, with half-closed eyes that make us appear as though we have been drinking since nine o'clock that morning. Which, in my case, is probably true.

I suppose my title was a bit misleading, because upon reflection, these men don't make us stop so they can get in perfect picture mode, they just somehow always are when the flash goes off. Which makes me wonder, are they perpetually prepared for photographic opportunities, more photogenic than heterosexuals, and females in general or are they just superhuman picture ninjas?

Sorry Fellas and Hispanic Lesbians...

I'm officially off the market. My amazing man asked to make an honest woman outta me and I took him up on the offer. Too bad, crusty old barflies, you had your chance. And all you overweight, spiral-permed mamis, this chica is taken.

You probably thought you had a lifetime of opportunities to snag a slice of this Amazonian delicacy, but you were wrong. So hitch your wagons to some other moderately attractive, severely hilarious and entertaining woman in another gay bar, dance club or bowling alley, because this one is spoken for. And don't expect me to be showing back up, ever!

Let's Be a Little More Sensitive, Please?

Kids are so insensitive! They are always calling each other faggots and saying how things are gay. It's so cruel. I can't stand it. Don't they know it's wrong? When they say that it makes me want to walk up to them and scream in their stupid faces "Stop calling each other faggots, you idiots!"

I mean, don't they know how inappropriate it is to say that something they don't like is gay? They are so retarded for doing that. I can't believe that they don't realize that they are degrading homosexual individuals every time they say that. I can't believe kids can be such retards.

And I hate how boys and girls alike call each other fag, faggots, queer, joto and lesbo all the time. I'm like, hey Charlie Gordon, what are you, special? Don't you know you can't use words that describe members of the homosexual community as slurs? Even a sped kid would know that. Seriously, remember that "Tell me about the rabbits again George" guy from the Steinbeck novel? Yeah, even that guy would know it's not OK.

I'm just saying, apparently these kids missed the day at Special Olympics Summer Camp where they discussed that gay and lesbian themed insults just aren't acceptable in today's culture. I wish someone would help me get it though their giant foreheads.