And when I say "pirates" I mean brain tumors.
About 5 years ago the news channels began airing stories about actual pirates. There are still sea pirates who take boats hostage and rob them. Real live pirates who live on ships and survive off the plunder they steal from other ships they catch whilst sailing around in the ocean. More recently on the news, there was a story about these four people who had a boat full of bibles, pirates attacked and killed all of them. They weren't just robbed by pirates, but killed by them too! The pirates' rage is escalating!
So when these brain tumors finally take my dad, I'm just going to tell people that it was pirates. You know why? Because then I won't have to listen to people tell me about their own aunt who personally struggled with liver/breast/colorectal cancer but ultimately survived. Because I don't want to know that your great uncle had lung cancer from smoking! That doesn't make me feel better! When you ask me how my dad died and I say "Pirates killed him." I want you to look at me in disbelief and not know what to say, then walk away or change the subject or give me something expensive or delicious. Because honestly, how many people have a response to "Pirates killed him."? I mean besides the families of those four people.
Oh my God! Pirates have taken over my dad's barnicle too! I can't wait to wear my $1.99 eye patch from WalBalls and attempt to look someone directly in their tall telling cancerous death comparison "he just wasn't strong enough to survive/he doesn't deserve to live" eyes and tell them my father was killed by pirates. Arrrrggghhh.
ReplyDeleteyour profile sounds like me. i call it homeless chic but last night while at costco getting death stares from highschool cheerleaders, i shit you not, i suddenly felt as uncomfortable in my decision to be low-maintenance as i did when i, in fact was in high school, and couldn't leave the house without make-up. this has nothing at all to do with your dad or pirates but hi.
ReplyDeleteAWwwww! Hi! Hey, any "let's do this, bitch" look from a cheerleader TOTALLY warrants you to recall that my dad's been kidnapped by pirates. Wow, you must be rich. I can't afford the Costblo membership. Lucky.
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