I have a confession to make.

Hey Blog,
Listen. I know I have been kind of distant lately. I feel really bad about it. It's just that... I have something I need to tell you.

You know that when I started you, you were my only blog. I had a lot of emotions I needed to get out and enough time to spend with you. Remember when I used to update you nearly every day? Those were really good times.

Well, things have changed. I didn't want to tell you, but I know you've noticed my neglect. The thing is that I have another blog. Well, three actually. Two of them are for my classes at school, but I run them from the same account, so I guess they are twins. The other one is on my Avon website. I started them because I worked with them, and you weren't there. I know that sounds shallow, but they do things that you never have. My school blogs fulfill my needs during the day and the Avon blog just understands me and my beauty product issues.

So, I'm really sorry. I know you probably won't be able to trust me for a while. But I'm begging you, come back to Ike baby!

In the Old Days, I Was Not Old

I haven't blogged in over a week. I went to bed last night at 7:00 PM, after I watched most of an episode of Dr. Phil. What happened to me?

I'm buying night cream for wrinkles and making desperate phone calls to my hairdresser/sister because the gray hairs keep showing back up. Each time I look, the little silvery bastards are more organized and have become so daring as to appear in a perfect little boot camp line along my part.

Two nights ago, I woke up to pee. TWICE.

The stand-up comedians on cable are becoming less and less hilarious, and I hear my mother's words pour out of my mouth "That's not funny, that's just rude."

So forgive me if the inevitable arrival of my 30th birthday is causing me to pop a xanax and rant about some flawed political system or other. I've got to let the stress out somehow, and doing a keg stand with a beer bong on the side just doesn't seem to do anymore.

You Expect Me to do WHAT?

I'm sorry. Excuse me? I'm a little unclear as to precisely what you want me to do. See, I'm incredibly busy right now. I'm not sure how you think I have to time to "return to work." Yes, I understand I signed a contract that indentures me to another year of servitude in the educational system, but I'm just not sure I'll be able to fit educating into my really packed schedule.

See, I already have a pretty full day as it is. I wake up and check my e-mail right about the time your bell rings. I mean, I don't usually take a shower until ten or 11 o'clock. Then I get back on the computer and blog, or read blogs for a while, then it's youtube and Facebook for at least two or three hours a day. I can't even get to youtube or Facebook at work because the web filter blocks them, so multitasking is out of the question.

I'm also confused because I watch 5-6 episodes of Hoarders, Intervention, Toddlers & Tiaras, House or NCIS every day, and there is no cable connection in any of my classrooms.

Also, there is no way all those kids would let me get any rest during my usual nap time either, so even if I did bring my little couch from home it would be totally useless. I can't be expected to miss my nap, I'm pretty sure that's an ADA law or something.

So, yeah. If you can come up with a way for me to take care of all my necessities and do this precious work you keep talking about, let me know. Really. I'm totally open to suggestions.

Crusader Promises Bloodbath

8.3.11

Cancer Crusader, Jordan Dlask vows eternal alliance of  Crusaders and Vikings in an all-out, 50 mile walking war against all cancer pirates. In a show of solidarity and honor, Dlask inscribed the name of Gary Richardson, King of the Vikings on his Crusading Cape. He will be walking this Friday, August 5th, in a lap-by-lap pirate slaughter. If you wish to support him verbally or monetarily, visit http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11GW?px=22368700&pg=personal&fr_id=34020

As of press time, there was no contact with the Unicorns, but it can be assumed they are also an Allied Force. The Ninjas have yet to choose a side.

I know this is like way off topic...

... but does anyone remember what Black Snake Moan was about? I know it had Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci, but what the eff was it about? All I remember is the part where she's in a half shirt and panties and he's got her chained to an engine block. Oh, and it's in the South. Duh! Samuel L. Jackson.

You know, I'm pretty sure I never understood what that movie was about, so it's not that I don't remember, it's just that I don't get it.

OK, I also know that movie was from like 10 years ago and maybe I missed whatever conversations people had about it when it came out. But it has really been bugging me lately. I realize I could Netflix it and watch it again and try to figure it out, but from what I do recall, I'm pretty sure it would be a huge waste of time.

So, you know, whatever. Any insight you may have would be really great. Thanks!

Cat Food, Meat Tenderizer, Air Fresheners

These were the contents of my shopping cart at Target last night. A large bag of cat food, a meat tenderizing hammer (special care taken that it is the dishwasher safe model) and two 2-pack air fresheners. That's four air fresheners. As I exited the retail market, a number of possible newspaper headlines ran through my mind:

Area Cat Owner has Stinky Home and Tough Meat

Lonely, Smelly Cat Lady Doesn't Like to Wash Kitchen Tools by Hand

Crazy Woman Lures Neighborhood Cats, Bludgeons Them, Hoards Carcasses, Police Alerted by Smell of Death and Fresh Waters

Huge Sale on Cat Food, Meat Tenderizers and Air Fresheners!

Local Chef Actually Cat-Person, Hid Tail Under Apron and Feline Odor with Plug-Ins

Meow Mix and Lavender Fragrance Theft at All Time High, Protect Your Goods!

Psychosis Often Begins with Over Analysis of Personal Retail Purchases

Thanks, Amy Winehouse

No, really. Thanks. I appreciate it. Your death has, once again, reminded me that I am already too old to die at the age of 27. Not only that, since you died, I have been reflecting seriously on our lives and when I compared them, I realized:

1) Neither of my two albums ever won a Grammy.
2) I don't have a soulful command of jazz music even though I'm white and Jewish.
3) The gigantic pile of mess on my head isn't an original, eccentric beehive hairdo. I just need to brush my hair.
4) When I stumble out of a bar with my bra showing, TMZ doesn't show up and no one is fascinated by my lifestyle, it's just sad.
5) Your tattoos scream "Bad Ass Hellcat," mine say "I got this little shamrock with my sister..."
6) When I went to rehab, there were no incredibly catchy songs about it on the radio.
7) When you died, millions of people mourned talent gone too soon. When I die, tens of people will hope they can get the funeral over with soon.

So thanks again for rubbing your post-mortem superiority in my face, and if you see Heath Ledger, tell him I'm still pretty pissed about that whole "Overdose/Dark Knight" thing. That was just tasteless grandstanding, in my opinion.