I know this is like way off topic...

... but does anyone remember what Black Snake Moan was about? I know it had Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci, but what the eff was it about? All I remember is the part where she's in a half shirt and panties and he's got her chained to an engine block. Oh, and it's in the South. Duh! Samuel L. Jackson.

You know, I'm pretty sure I never understood what that movie was about, so it's not that I don't remember, it's just that I don't get it.

OK, I also know that movie was from like 10 years ago and maybe I missed whatever conversations people had about it when it came out. But it has really been bugging me lately. I realize I could Netflix it and watch it again and try to figure it out, but from what I do recall, I'm pretty sure it would be a huge waste of time.

So, you know, whatever. Any insight you may have would be really great. Thanks!

Oh My God, Really?

One Entry? Really? No one has anything funny or inappropriate to say about a dirty old mattress laying across the street from the park I took my sister's kids to so that we could play volleyball? C'mon! I have like twenty nasty things to say about that mattress, most of them are about my sister but according to the official photo caption contest rules, I. Can't. Enter.

So, I'll make you a deal. You have one more day. I'm going to go run errands: get a new social security card, buy toilet paper, wash some undies... that sort of thing. The next twenty four hours I expect you to dedicate to captioning the hell out of that photo.

Ready? Go!

Dear Skank at the Old Wal-Mart,

I noticed you at the old Wal-Mart the other night. Not the new one, the old one that they remodeled a couple of years ago. I guess you must have watched Pretty Woman earlier that day before you got dressed to go do your shopping at the Wal-Mart because girl, you were dressed to the 80's nines. Those thigh-high boots were something else. I didn't even know they still made those in periwinkle suede. Or maybe you got them at the Goodwill, because they did look pretty worn out, and you weren't older than maybe twenty two, so I know you haven't owned them since Pretty Woman came out in theaters.

I also saw how your pimp, or baby-daddy or whatever, was kind of helping you push the cart. Although, he had to stop a lot and touch his chin with his thumb and nod at other skanks passing by. And he could really only push with one hand because his other hand was otherwise occupied with holding up his pants.

It was of some concern to my boyfriend how your butt cheeks came out of the bottom of your lycra skirt when you bent over to make your selection from the bottom shelf of vodkas in the Wal-Mart liquor aisle. And I noticed how the little boy riding in the cart looked really sleepy. It's probably because it was about eleven at night, or maybe it was just the FAS-like face he was making. It's hard to tell.

Anyways, it was cool seeing you. Stay real.

Is There a Disease Where You Get Addicted to Discovery Health and TLC?

I think I'm coming down with something. I have all these weird symptoms. It started with congestion, fatigue and the chills. Then it progressed into depression-like symptoms. Then all of a sudden I realized that I can't stop watching reality shows on Direct TV that are based around other people's mental illnesses or unusual lifestyles. First it was the shows about people with bad wardrobes, then the wedding dress shows. Then those spoiled little brats who compete in beauty pageants. After that, it all started snowballing into people who hoard and eat toilet paper and laundry detergent. Now it's pregnant women who have their babies while they are in prison and Mormon fundamentalist polygamists with 4 wives and question and answer shows with some "sex doctor" who tells me that it's possible to get herpes from the stagnant pools of water around public hot tubs! Great, now everybody will be using that as an excuse!

I can't seem to shake it. I try to change the channel, get interested in a cop drama or family film, but my hand always finds the remote and suddenly I'm watching someones life that is almost as screwed up as mine. Granted, their father isn't being held hostage by pirates, but their situation is still pretty bad. I mean, did you see the outfits that woman was wearing in public? Ugh! I'm just thankful no one has been secretly following me around with a camera for two weeks. Although the $5000 shopping spree in New York might just be the cure...

You Might Have Herpes, I'm sorry to Say.

Hey, how's it going? I really appreciate you driving all the way up to pick me up from my sister's house. It was a really long drive, huh? I mean, especially after you worked all day. Was it too windy? No? Well, that's good.

So, um, I was meaning to tell you that while I stayed at my sister's house something happened. I didn't really mean for it to happen, but it just, you know, kind of, happened. You know how my sister's kids are like, crazy, right? And the little one likes to eat on the couch a lot? And the other ones wrestle and put their dirty shoes on the couch and stuff? Well, like when I was there, they like, you know drank a bunch of soda and ate a whole mess of pudding and cookies and stuff and then like, well... they gang-raped the couch.

It all happened so fast. There were cushions everywhere and everything got stained and I was so tired and I had a couple of glasses of wine and things were so crazy and you weren't there, you know? I like, I didn't know what to do and I just... I sat on the couch. I know! I know I shouldn't have, but everyone else was sitting down in the chairs and on the cushions on the floor and on the arms of the messed up couch and I was tired and I had some wine, like I said. I was confused, and sad. Those kids are crazy! It wasn't my fault!

I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. It's all a blur in my mind and I know I should have told you sooner, but I was ashamed. How do you tell someone that your sister's kids are couch-rapists?

So like, I think maybe you and your couch should maybe go get tested?