Whatever story your son is telling you, the truth is: he punched me.

It's so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for coming to your son's parent-teacher conference. I know we have never met, even though I had Stephen in class last year. I'd just like to say, no matter what your son has told you, he is the one who punched me in the mouth.

I'm sure he's at least mentioned the incident last year, but let me be clear: I did not bite your son's hand. I'm sure he will tell elaborate stories about how other students saw me bite him and how I called him a liar. Honestly, who are you going to believe? Some snot-faced kid who punches teachers in the mouth? Or me? Look at me, I'm like, a grown-up.

I'm sorry about having to tell you that your son is a liar, and prone to violence against educated women, but I think it's best that you know. I hope you are able to find him some help. He may need years of therapy to reprogram his obviously confused memory. How sad, I think he actually believes that I bit his hand and then lied about him punching me. Poor kid.

A Teacher's Funeral

Here's the deal. I know this guy who was a teacher at a school in my district. He was the drama teacher (like me) and did a lot of shows at the community theater (twinsies!). This guy was a really nice teacher guy, and honestly I didn't know him that well, but rather knew of him. Anyway, I thought it would be prudent for me to attend the memorial service and pay my respects, along with the rest of the theater community.

I show up and there are a lot of nicely dress kids there. "Wow," I thought, "How nice of them to pay their respects by showering and putting on clean clothes." During the service, lots of actors and other directors got up to memorialize this man's contributions to their lives and the community as a whole. Then the kids began to bravely, and tearfully, speak about their "favorite teacher." Their words were kind, and truthful and eloquent (for the most part.) As the audience sat in the theater and shed a few well-deserved tears, listening to children speak from their hearts, I was suddenly struck with a sobering thought: "What will the children say about me when I die?" Here are a few possibilities:

"She used to tell me to turn my face off."
"She fell a lot."
"Even when she threatened me with the pointiest part of her elbow, I knew she was kidding."
"One time she bit my hand." (I will argue, to my grave, that kid punched me in the mouth.)
"Sometimes we thought she might be possessed by some type of evil spirit."
"I remember how she used to say that the crushed soul was the most delicious part of the child."
"I'm pretty sure she wasn't a real teacher."
"She used singing as a torture device."
"I think she changed her name so often because she was running from the law."

I'm not saying that this sudden realization is going to make me change my teaching strategies, just that if I die, you might want to record what the children have to say. It could be entertaining.

I have a confession to make.

Hey Blog,
Listen. I know I have been kind of distant lately. I feel really bad about it. It's just that... I have something I need to tell you.

You know that when I started you, you were my only blog. I had a lot of emotions I needed to get out and enough time to spend with you. Remember when I used to update you nearly every day? Those were really good times.

Well, things have changed. I didn't want to tell you, but I know you've noticed my neglect. The thing is that I have another blog. Well, three actually. Two of them are for my classes at school, but I run them from the same account, so I guess they are twins. The other one is on my Avon website. I started them because I worked with them, and you weren't there. I know that sounds shallow, but they do things that you never have. My school blogs fulfill my needs during the day and the Avon blog just understands me and my beauty product issues.

So, I'm really sorry. I know you probably won't be able to trust me for a while. But I'm begging you, come back to Ike baby!

In the Old Days, I Was Not Old

I haven't blogged in over a week. I went to bed last night at 7:00 PM, after I watched most of an episode of Dr. Phil. What happened to me?

I'm buying night cream for wrinkles and making desperate phone calls to my hairdresser/sister because the gray hairs keep showing back up. Each time I look, the little silvery bastards are more organized and have become so daring as to appear in a perfect little boot camp line along my part.

Two nights ago, I woke up to pee. TWICE.

The stand-up comedians on cable are becoming less and less hilarious, and I hear my mother's words pour out of my mouth "That's not funny, that's just rude."

So forgive me if the inevitable arrival of my 30th birthday is causing me to pop a xanax and rant about some flawed political system or other. I've got to let the stress out somehow, and doing a keg stand with a beer bong on the side just doesn't seem to do anymore.

You Expect Me to do WHAT?

I'm sorry. Excuse me? I'm a little unclear as to precisely what you want me to do. See, I'm incredibly busy right now. I'm not sure how you think I have to time to "return to work." Yes, I understand I signed a contract that indentures me to another year of servitude in the educational system, but I'm just not sure I'll be able to fit educating into my really packed schedule.

See, I already have a pretty full day as it is. I wake up and check my e-mail right about the time your bell rings. I mean, I don't usually take a shower until ten or 11 o'clock. Then I get back on the computer and blog, or read blogs for a while, then it's youtube and Facebook for at least two or three hours a day. I can't even get to youtube or Facebook at work because the web filter blocks them, so multitasking is out of the question.

I'm also confused because I watch 5-6 episodes of Hoarders, Intervention, Toddlers & Tiaras, House or NCIS every day, and there is no cable connection in any of my classrooms.

Also, there is no way all those kids would let me get any rest during my usual nap time either, so even if I did bring my little couch from home it would be totally useless. I can't be expected to miss my nap, I'm pretty sure that's an ADA law or something.

So, yeah. If you can come up with a way for me to take care of all my necessities and do this precious work you keep talking about, let me know. Really. I'm totally open to suggestions.

Crusader Promises Bloodbath

8.3.11

Cancer Crusader, Jordan Dlask vows eternal alliance of  Crusaders and Vikings in an all-out, 50 mile walking war against all cancer pirates. In a show of solidarity and honor, Dlask inscribed the name of Gary Richardson, King of the Vikings on his Crusading Cape. He will be walking this Friday, August 5th, in a lap-by-lap pirate slaughter. If you wish to support him verbally or monetarily, visit http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11GW?px=22368700&pg=personal&fr_id=34020

As of press time, there was no contact with the Unicorns, but it can be assumed they are also an Allied Force. The Ninjas have yet to choose a side.

I know this is like way off topic...

... but does anyone remember what Black Snake Moan was about? I know it had Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci, but what the eff was it about? All I remember is the part where she's in a half shirt and panties and he's got her chained to an engine block. Oh, and it's in the South. Duh! Samuel L. Jackson.

You know, I'm pretty sure I never understood what that movie was about, so it's not that I don't remember, it's just that I don't get it.

OK, I also know that movie was from like 10 years ago and maybe I missed whatever conversations people had about it when it came out. But it has really been bugging me lately. I realize I could Netflix it and watch it again and try to figure it out, but from what I do recall, I'm pretty sure it would be a huge waste of time.

So, you know, whatever. Any insight you may have would be really great. Thanks!