I know this is like way off topic...

... but does anyone remember what Black Snake Moan was about? I know it had Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci, but what the eff was it about? All I remember is the part where she's in a half shirt and panties and he's got her chained to an engine block. Oh, and it's in the South. Duh! Samuel L. Jackson.

You know, I'm pretty sure I never understood what that movie was about, so it's not that I don't remember, it's just that I don't get it.

OK, I also know that movie was from like 10 years ago and maybe I missed whatever conversations people had about it when it came out. But it has really been bugging me lately. I realize I could Netflix it and watch it again and try to figure it out, but from what I do recall, I'm pretty sure it would be a huge waste of time.

So, you know, whatever. Any insight you may have would be really great. Thanks!

Cat Food, Meat Tenderizer, Air Fresheners

These were the contents of my shopping cart at Target last night. A large bag of cat food, a meat tenderizing hammer (special care taken that it is the dishwasher safe model) and two 2-pack air fresheners. That's four air fresheners. As I exited the retail market, a number of possible newspaper headlines ran through my mind:

Area Cat Owner has Stinky Home and Tough Meat

Lonely, Smelly Cat Lady Doesn't Like to Wash Kitchen Tools by Hand

Crazy Woman Lures Neighborhood Cats, Bludgeons Them, Hoards Carcasses, Police Alerted by Smell of Death and Fresh Waters

Huge Sale on Cat Food, Meat Tenderizers and Air Fresheners!

Local Chef Actually Cat-Person, Hid Tail Under Apron and Feline Odor with Plug-Ins

Meow Mix and Lavender Fragrance Theft at All Time High, Protect Your Goods!

Psychosis Often Begins with Over Analysis of Personal Retail Purchases

Thanks, Amy Winehouse

No, really. Thanks. I appreciate it. Your death has, once again, reminded me that I am already too old to die at the age of 27. Not only that, since you died, I have been reflecting seriously on our lives and when I compared them, I realized:

1) Neither of my two albums ever won a Grammy.
2) I don't have a soulful command of jazz music even though I'm white and Jewish.
3) The gigantic pile of mess on my head isn't an original, eccentric beehive hairdo. I just need to brush my hair.
4) When I stumble out of a bar with my bra showing, TMZ doesn't show up and no one is fascinated by my lifestyle, it's just sad.
5) Your tattoos scream "Bad Ass Hellcat," mine say "I got this little shamrock with my sister..."
6) When I went to rehab, there were no incredibly catchy songs about it on the radio.
7) When you died, millions of people mourned talent gone too soon. When I die, tens of people will hope they can get the funeral over with soon.

So thanks again for rubbing your post-mortem superiority in my face, and if you see Heath Ledger, tell him I'm still pretty pissed about that whole "Overdose/Dark Knight" thing. That was just tasteless grandstanding, in my opinion.

This Would be Upsetting if I Didn't Write It

http://lascruces.en.craigslist.org/cto/2506932616.html

Reality TV Star Laments People not Knowing Her "For Reals"

7.20.11

Hollywood, CA -- During filming of her Lifetime Television reality series, Paris Hilton complained to some other skinny blond girl about people not knowing the real her, in what can only be described as the most annoyingly nasal voice ever caught on digital media.

"It's like, people don't know who I really am, and stuff" Hilton said, "They don't even know what I do," she continued after a day of acupuncture, driving around in a really expensive pink car, eating at restaurants with tiny tables and doing voice-overs to narrate aforementioned actions.

The two thin blond girls talked some more about not being understood by the public after being offended by another blond girl who mentioned the infamous sex tape Hilton was seen in several years ago.

"I can't believe she even brought that up," Hilton told the skinny blond girl who was still her friend, right before Hilton's voice over changed topic to her current pregnancy scare.

The rest of the episode Paris Hilton spent laying in her bed, telling her current boyfriend how angry it makes her when the media says she looks fat and how that made her think she was pregnant. "I'm a business woman" Hilton concluded, "I'm just not sure that a big stomach really matches my brand, so I don't know what I would do if I was pregnant."

The episode ended with the star taking the pregnancy test, since "looking fat, according to bloggers and paparazzi" and "that outfit not fitting in Spain" are two of the top symptoms of pregnancy. The new boyfriend mistakenly proposes marriage before the results are revealed, but then takes the offer back and suggests they go for a jog instead, once it is discovered she has only gained a few pounds, rather than become pregnant.

In the end, our heroine learned that if she wants people to know the real her, she must listen to her own instincts and stay true to... Wait, no. She doesn't learn anything.

Today Was a Good Day

Spending hours mindlessly reading Craigslist adds has finally paid off.

http://lascruces.en.craigslist.org/rnr/2443391920.html

Are You from the Future?

If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, you might be from the future.

1. Do you drive a DeLorean?
2. Do you constantly find yourself trying to return to October 26, 1985?
3. Are you half naked, riding in Bruce Willis' taxi right now?
4. Is your Soylent Green made of people?
5. Are you currently hunting genetically engineered humanoid robots through dystopian Los Angeles?
6. Are you the founder of the Army of the Twelve Monkeys?
7. Is Big Brother watching you?
8. Are these the droids you are looking for?
9. Is it your duty, as a fireman, to burn all the books in your society?
10. Have apes replaced humans as the dominant life form on your planet?
11. Is your palm flower / lifeclock blinking, hence indicating your time for voluntary execution?
12. Do your mashed potatoes "mean something"?
13. Ewww, did an alien just burst from your chest?
14. Are you a software engineer digitally transported into the mainframe of your employer's computer?
15. Is Drew Barrymore your little sister and are you hiding a deformed midget from the government?
16. Did you intend to travel through time but accidentally become a fly?
17. Are you Will Smith? Because Will Smith is from the future, a lot.
18. Did your on-board computer just alert you of danger, Will Robinson?
19. Is there an asteroid headed toward you, right now?
20. Did Keanu Reeves just tell you he "knows kung fu"?

Keep in mind that this is simply an evaluation tool to help you determine if you have future-like symptoms. If you think you are futuristic or may be going back to the future, contact Doc Brown immediately.

When I say Harry,

You say:

For Your Reacting Convenience:

A brand new element had been added to my blog beneath each post. There are three choices after the phrase "I was all" and they are: "Ahahaha!", "What?!?" and "Sad Face". Please feel free to react to my posts using these highly simple responses by clicking on the boxes next to each reaction. It is far easier than formulating an opinion and actually writing a response. It lets me know that my, shall I call it an organized readership? is still out there. No pressure.

I Tol' You I was Fancy

What did I tell you? What. Did. I. Teeeellllllll you? I said I was high class, well now there is proof. Do you see what this is? It's a chan-do-lier. Yeah I know it's in a box. Mmmm-mmm. But not for long. Soon, that shining, 16-bulb, mirrored, sparkling spectacle will be hanging over my head while I eat dinner. Every night. Right now the light fixture above our kitchen table only has five bulbs. Five. How can I be expected to eat my deluxe macaroni and cheese dinner beneath only five bulbs? That's right. I said deluxe mac and cheese. I don't buy that plain old three-for-a-dollar boxed kind any more. No way. I buy the mac that already has the cheese made for me in the shiny silver package. See? I've advanced my lifestyle in every way.

I am telling you, what they say is true. More is never enough. I used to nay say those lifestyles of the rich and famous people on the TV, you now, like on MTV Cribs? Who needs all that? I used to say. They have packed refrigerators with Cristal and garages full of cars. I'm just like those people now, shoot. Our garage is packed with our truck and Honda. You open my fridge and all you can see is shelves full of two bottles of juice. Orange AND apple. I'm telling you. Maybe this whole luxury thing is getting too big for me...

I Don't Wanna Sound Like a Bitch or Nuthin'...

...but I think you should know that I've moved up in the world. That's right, as of last week, I am an Upper Class Citizen. Did I marry a millionaire? Not exactly. Did I win the lottery? Please, I don't play that fool game. Did I inherit a butt load of cash after my dad's tragic pirate attack? No sir.

Then why am I acting better than the rest of ya'll? Because I just became the owner of the finest sets of towels and bedsheets that Target, that's right, I said TARGET, sells.  I didn't say Wal-Mart or K-Mart or Factory-2-U, or any other discount retail market. Do you see a hyphen on the Target sign? No. That means high quality.

I'm a changed woman. Since I got these new sheets and towels I say things like "thread count." From now on, I demand that the two towels on our towel rack be the same color and that our pillow cases actually match the sheets. Want some more? I've even started making the bed and folding over the top sheet, which happens to be the same color as the fitted sheet, when I do it. Things are going to be a whole lot different around here, I tell you what! I have tasted luxury baby, and I like the flavor. I've even considered getting a matching set of drinking glasses and using them all at the same time when I fix dinner. That do anything for you? Just don't get all butt hurt if I roll my eyes or turn up my nose when I have to stay at your house and suffer through a night of mismatched poly/cotton blended hell.

What a Relief!

Now I can utilize my precious, precious time worrying about things that are actually dangerous.

 Like urinating on electric fences and getting mercury poisoning from eating too much canned tuna.