So There's That.

There is some order to the universe, or I used to believe there was. Like, if you are driving a minivan, you have no business wearing a cowboy hat. If you are wearing a cowboy hat, then you may not wear flip flops. If you are wearing flip flops, then you have no grounds to be intimidating. If you have a reputation of being intimidating, then your reputation is ruined the minute you say "my grama, who goes to church, says the world won't end in 2012."

This Universal Order is totally fucked. Sorry boys and girls. I usually try to keep the language content reasonable, for all 4 of my readers. But it's true. It turns out that whatever entity was keeping cosmic order went to fucking lunch.

What downer this post has turned out to be, but you know what? Usually I'm quirky and fun, but now I guess  I don't have to be. Since the rest of creation doesn't have to follow the rules, why should I? Since everyone else can go out in public in tube tops and yell as loudly as possible at the prescription window at Walgreens about their ailments, why can't I write a depressing post?

My dad, a previously invincible man, is dying of brain cancer. We found out three months ago, and he's not going to last much longer. This is lame. This is out of order. This is not OK. My dad used to be able to kick the top of the door jam, now he can't even talk. So many other people need to be dying of brain cancer instead of him. I know that's not a nice thing to say, and I don't care. I don't have anything inspiring or intelligent to say about it. I don't think it's part of a bigger plan. I think it's fucked.

So there's that.

Is There a Disease Where You Get Addicted to Discovery Health and TLC?

I think I'm coming down with something. I have all these weird symptoms. It started with congestion, fatigue and the chills. Then it progressed into depression-like symptoms. Then all of a sudden I realized that I can't stop watching reality shows on Direct TV that are based around other people's mental illnesses or unusual lifestyles. First it was the shows about people with bad wardrobes, then the wedding dress shows. Then those spoiled little brats who compete in beauty pageants. After that, it all started snowballing into people who hoard and eat toilet paper and laundry detergent. Now it's pregnant women who have their babies while they are in prison and Mormon fundamentalist polygamists with 4 wives and question and answer shows with some "sex doctor" who tells me that it's possible to get herpes from the stagnant pools of water around public hot tubs! Great, now everybody will be using that as an excuse!

I can't seem to shake it. I try to change the channel, get interested in a cop drama or family film, but my hand always finds the remote and suddenly I'm watching someones life that is almost as screwed up as mine. Granted, their father isn't being held hostage by pirates, but their situation is still pretty bad. I mean, did you see the outfits that woman was wearing in public? Ugh! I'm just thankful no one has been secretly following me around with a camera for two weeks. Although the $5000 shopping spree in New York might just be the cure...

Dear Single Dads,

I am not interested in your:
Hobby, lifestyle, means of employment, exotic pet, socioeconomic status.

I already have a boyfriend with more:
Money, hair, attractive features, charisma, teeth, height, grooming habits.

I don't like your:
Birkenstocks, angry teenager, Jeep, teeth, jokes, face.

Kids Don't Know How to Work for Anything Anymore

Well, it's Mardi Gras again. Time for all the semi-attractive females to let lose their sweater puppets for an onslaught of drunken college boys and desperate, lonely men. In New Orleans there are actual cultural festivities associated with this pre-Lent observance, but for the rest of the country, it is just an excuse to come to work with a hangover on a Wednesday.

This year I am most offended because Mardi Gras beads are being sold at lunches to our students. Not because they represent a celebration marked by drunkenness and debauchery, but because in my day, we had to work for our beads! There was no way we could pay fifty cents a strand and walk around campus as if we had actually done something to earn those beads. We had to bear all in the freezing winter temperatures to greasy creepers. We wore those beads as a badge of honor, not a hip accessory.

So shame on you, society, for taking away the opportunity for our girls to learn the value of good, honest, hard work!

In My Day, We Didn't Call Our Teachers "Pirate Hookers"

I've sat through all the PowerPoint presentations developed by Human Resources about how kids are part of a more advanced society than we were. I understand they see and hear things that are more adult-themed than I ever did when I was a child, but in my day, we never called our teachers "Pirate Hookers." To their faces. Especially as a compliment.

Alright, alright. I may have made hurtful comments about a teacher's outfit, face, limp, accent, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status or apparent gender identity crisis. But never to their face. OK, there was that time I called Sister Sue "Mister Sue", but it was totally an accident. And you can't tell me that in all her 76 years of teaching she'd never heard that one before.

Here's my point. When I'm taking attendance and a kid yells "Hey Miss, you like a pirate hooker, in a good way." I'm thinking maybe there is something wrong with our society. Have we taken away the fear and respect kids should have for adults? Or should I have rethought the knickers, puffy sleeved blouse and 4 inch spike heel ensemble?

Attention Frat Boys and Pizzaria Owners:

Vintage 1995
55" Curtis Mathes projection screen television has just been let out into the public market!
Because of the extremely high demand for such rare and collectible items, this piece will be available for viewing by appointment only. Buyers may request a ticket to view and place a bid on this valuable piece of historic and profitable equipment by contacting the seller directly. Since this is most likely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for most people to even see such a piece of entertainment spectaularity, a special public viewing will be announced Friday at midnight.

Pirates are Holding My Father Hostage

And when I say "pirates" I mean brain tumors.

About 5 years ago the news channels began airing stories about actual pirates. There are still sea pirates who take boats hostage and rob them. Real live pirates who live on ships and survive off the plunder they steal from other ships they catch whilst sailing around in the ocean. More recently on the news, there was a story about these four people who had a boat full of bibles, pirates attacked and killed all of them. They weren't just robbed by pirates, but killed by them too! The pirates' rage is escalating!

So when these brain tumors finally take my dad, I'm just going to tell people that it was pirates. You know why? Because then I won't have to listen to people tell me about their own aunt who personally struggled with liver/breast/colorectal cancer but ultimately survived. Because I don't want to know that your great uncle had lung cancer from smoking! That doesn't make me feel better! When you ask me how my dad died and I say "Pirates killed him." I want you to look at me in disbelief and not know what to say, then walk away or change the subject or give me something expensive or delicious. Because honestly, how many people have a response to "Pirates killed him."? I mean besides the families of those four people.